Invasive Animals That Most Deserve a Punch In the Face

Last week I wrote a little about a new law to help deal with the feral hog problem in Texas. But there are plenty of other invasive species running around like unruly leash kids who've broken free of their harnesses. Here are just a few that are especially annoying:

1. Nutria
Nutria are huge rodents from South America that have invaded wetlands in the U.S. and eaten all the plants in sight.

Here's what a nutria looks like, in case you haven't had the pleasure of meeting one:

Hey, you gonna eat that?

With their voracious appetites, rat-like tails, and sharp Cheetos-like teeth, they're like beavers, only hideous-looking and jobless.

One day my brother Mike and his family came home to see their dog in a fight with a nutria. They tried to pull their dog away, but the nutria kept running after it again. They hadn't seen one before and didn't know what it was, but my nephew Luke said, "Hey, that's a nutria! It's an invasive species from South America!" Then he ran and got his science textbook to show his parents a picture. My brother had a less academic approach--he ran to his car, drove up to the canine/giant rodent smackdown, "took steady aim at the teeth that shone like beacons of evil, or Cheetos," and shot the nutria twice in the head. (Do not try this at home. Unless you're a really, really good shot.) He didn't get a picture, because it was "shot in the head and kinda bug-eyed lookin' when it was all over," but here's a crappy artist's* rendering:

It's just a flesh wound! Get back here! I'll bite your leg off!

So in this case, the animal did get a punch in the face, but it was with a couple of .40 caliber bullets instead of a fist.

*"crappy artist" = me

2. Snakehead fish

Thanks a pantload, Evolution

...and any other fish who eats everything in a lake, then gets out and walks to another lake to eat everything over there. Look, you guys need to slow it down a bit. If there's nothing good in the fridge, I don't run around pillaging my neighbor's kitchens. They hate that. I know someone released you in a strange lake, but just hang out, pace yourself, and stay in the water like the fish you're supposed to be. Yeah, we're impressed--you can walk. Very cool. Now give it a rest and quit showing off.

3. The brown tree snake of Guam


This is a snake that probably hitched a ride on a plane from Australia back in the 1940s, on a flight that unfortunately didn't have Samuel L. Jackson as a passenger.

About every three days there's a power outage somewhere on Guam, caused by snakes who thought it might be fun to play with electrical wires. Thankfully they aren't highly venomous, but their bites do cause a lot of ER visits.

Before the brown tree snake barged in, the only other snake on Guam was the blind snake. You know what it eats? Termites. Which makes the blind snake really cool.

Not so cool: ridding the island of birds and small mammals. The birds of Guam weren't used to predators, so didn't know they should fly away from something with sharp teeth opening its mouth
to eat them. They were just sitting there, minding their own business on a branch next to the newly-arrived brown tree snake, saying, "Oh, hi, I don't think we've met. Um, why am I in your mouth?" You'd think the next birds would've flown away then, but no, they just looked into the snake's mouth going, "Hey, where'd our friend go? Can we play?"

And I get it--when you're at an all-you-can-eat buffet, you want to get your money's worth. But you know what happens when you eat all the birds, Brownie? ALL THE BIRDS ARE EATEN. Kind of screwed yourself over there, didn't you? Enjoy the lizards, jerk.

I don't need to put in a disclaimer, do I? Then again, we need warnings on lawn mowers so people will know not to trim their hedges with them. Sigh. Okay, then.

People: It's not the animals' fault that they're in the wrong place. They're just doing what they know, after being plunked in a ridiculously inconvenient place. DO NOT GO AROUND PUNCHING ANIMALS IN THE FACE. It's not nice, and some of them are bitey.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see what my neighbors have in the pantry. I've run out of Cheetos.

Can't Decide Whether to Noodle or Rent a Hog-Huntin' Helicopter

Some interesting new laws came into effect in Texas last week.

People are always complaining that the government should cut out the pork. Now you can help, thanks to a new law that makes it legal to hunt feral hogs from a helicopter.

www.HuntingHog.com

Wait just a minute, Antsy McGee. I know what you're thinking: "I've got a case of Budweiser, an AK-47, and a rented helicopter. What could go wrong?"

You're right, I can't think of anything either. But for the sake of All That Should Remain Unholey, be extra cautious and take the aerial hunting safety course first.

There's a reason there aren't many regulations on feral hog hunting--they're a highly adaptable invasive species that eats anything they can get their hooves on and leaves behind a giant mess wherever they go. (You know someone like this, I'm sure of it. Don't look at them right now, they'll know we're talking about them. Just keep looking at the computer.)

Now, imagine if they produced thirty offspring a year just like them. Feral hogs have up to twelve piglets per litter. I know, it sounds adorable, but they do a lot of damage.

I'm here to destroy you

Feral hogs have been a problem for a long time, and they do hundreds of millions of dollars' worth of damage every year, like by tearing up land and devouring crops. They've even destroyed golf courses.

That does it, Wilbur. You've gone to far.

Don't look at me like that. You know what you've done.

That's better. Not so cute now, are you?

Watch for more headlines containing the phrases "Hog Wild," "Bringing Home the Bacon," and "Aporkalypse Now."

And I know you'll be thrilled to find out that noodling is now legal. Didn't know it was illegal before? Or do you have no idea what noodling is? It's fishing. But you're the fishing pole. The bait too, come to think of it.



Yes, you shove your hand (or foot) into a catfish's mouth and hope that it bites you. I can't wait to get started. I don't even like catfish that much, I just want to see the look of horror from the manicurist when I go into the salon.

Speaking of poles, there's a new "Pole Tax." Yes, "pole." Strip clubs that serve alcohol are assessed a fee of $5 per customer to help fund sex offender prevention programs. Actually, the charge has been around for a couple years, but the money's been sitting there like a big tease that the state can't touch, because of a lawsuit from club owners who complain that the tax suppresses their right to free speech.

Not true, says the Texas Supreme Court. In delivering the unanimous decision of the court, Justice Nathan Hecht stated that, "The fee does not infringe upon a scantily-clad nubile young woman's freedom to speak on any topic of her choosing in front of an audience of sweaty patrons reeking of alcohol and broken dreams as they delight in her bouncing, writhing, and gyrating...sorry, what was I saying?"

But you know the clubs aren't going to eat that fee, so it'll be passed along to the customer, who will have fewer singles to wave around in the club. This will lead to tearful testimonials about Rick Perry "Literally yanking dollars from the G-strings of strippers," which makes a really funny picture.

I'm really happy about this one--you've seen the people who protest at funerals? I'm not even going to link to them, but the ones who think God is a big Mr. Hatey McCrankypants? No more funeral protests allowed, within three hours before or after the service. I tweeted my approval of the new law and got a reply from the protestors who noticed it:

I feel dirtier than a noodler in a strip club.