Monday, September 5, 2011

Can't Decide Whether to Noodle or Rent a Hog-Huntin' Helicopter

Some interesting new laws came into effect in Texas last week.

People are always complaining that the government should cut out the pork. Now you can help, thanks to a new law that makes it legal to hunt feral hogs from a helicopter.

Wait just a minute, Antsy McGee. I know what you're thinking: "I've got a case of Budweiser, an AK-47, and a rented helicopter. What could go wrong?"

You're right, I can't think of anything either. But for the sake of All That Should Remain Unholey, be extra cautious and take the aerial hunting safety course first.

There's a reason there aren't many regulations on feral hog hunting--they're a highly adaptable invasive species that eats anything they can get their hooves on and leaves behind a giant mess wherever they go. (You know someone like this, I'm sure of it. Don't look at them right now, they'll know we're talking about them. Just keep looking at the computer.)

Now, imagine if they produced thirty offspring a year just like them. Feral hogs have up to twelve piglets per litter. I know, it sounds adorable, but they do a lot of damage.

I'm here to destroy you
Feral hogs have been a problem for a long time, and they do hundreds of millions of dollars' worth of damage every year, like by tearing up land and devouring crops. They've even destroyed golf courses.

That does it, Wilbur. You've gone to far.

Don't look at me like that. You know what you've done.

That's better. Not so cute now, are you?
Watch for more headlines containing the phrases "Hog Wild," "Bringing Home the Bacon," and "Aporkalypse Now."

And I know you'll be thrilled to find out that noodling is now legal. Didn't know it was illegal before? Or do you have no idea what noodling is? It's fishing. But you're the fishing pole. The bait too, come to think of it.

Yes, you shove your hand (or foot) into a catfish's mouth and hope that it bites you. I can't wait to get started. I don't even like catfish that much, I just want to see the look of horror from the manicurist when I go into the salon.

Speaking of poles, there's a new "Pole Tax." Yes, "pole." Strip clubs that serve alcohol are assessed a fee of $5 per customer to help fund sex offender prevention programs. Actually, the charge has been around for a couple years, but the money's been sitting there like a big tease that the state can't touch, because of a lawsuit from club owners who complain that the tax suppresses their right to free speech.

Not true, says the Texas Supreme Court. In delivering the unanimous decision of the court, Justice Nathan Hecht stated that, "The fee does not infringe upon a scantily-clad nubile young woman's freedom to speak on any topic of her choosing in front of an audience of sweaty patrons reeking of alcohol and broken dreams as they delight in her bouncing, writhing, and gyrating...sorry, what was I saying?"

But you know the clubs aren't going to eat that fee, so it'll be passed along to the customer, who will have fewer singles to wave around in the club. This will lead to tearful testimonials about Rick Perry "Literally yanking dollars from the G-strings of strippers," which makes a really funny picture.

I'm really happy about this one--you've seen the people who protest at funerals? I'm not even going to link to them, but the ones who think God is a big Mr. Hatey McCrankypants? No more funeral protests allowed, within three hours before or after the service. I tweeted my approval of the new law and got a reply from the protestors who noticed it:

I feel dirtier than a noodler in a strip club.


  1. Even with all the scary wildfires burning around us, this post made me laugh. Thanks, Lynne!

  2. And thank you, Shelli! Hope the fires die down soon and that everyone there is safe.