I'm Sure Jane Austen Agonized Over Author Photos Too

Last week my publisher asked for my author photo. I found a picture on my computer to send in, but it's just a placeholder for now. I didn't mention that I'm putting off getting my author photos taken.

I'll do it soon-ish, like this summer, but since there's not enough time to lose a metric buttload of weight before then, I at least want to grow my hair out. See, a couple months ago I got my haircut. Twice in two days. So I have a lot less than I'm used to. Yes, I have a hairstylist I've been going to for a while who I'm really happy with, but, um...I had a Groupon for a cut and color at another salon. Of course I had to try it because sometimes I don't think things through it was such a great deal and it looked like a nice place.

Long story short, I left the salon looking like I'd been attacked by a team of drunk scissor-wielding monkeys. Instead of the long layers I asked for, I had a multi-layer extravaganza that approached mullethood.

The next day I slinked into a trusted salon for a repair, and the guy did a great job transforming me into something like a normal person. But of course he had to work with what he had, which wasn't much. And I can get it looking pretty nice if I spend some time on it. I usually don't, though, and by the time I walk out into the 1000% humidity, I give up and resort to using my sunglasses as a headband.

And that won't do for the book jacket.

So if the publisher wants the photo sooner rather than later, what are some other options? Hats are in now, right, because of the recent royal wedding?

I know the hat doesn't hide the hair, but if you're wearing this, no one notices anything else, right? It does make a statement, that's for sure. But the statement is something like, "I have no idea how to shop."

Maybe a different look. This company makes some interesting hats that are good for any bad hair day:

They're also good for a bad face day.

But I don't know if that's the right look. How about something more creative? I can't think of anyone more creative than Lady Gaga. No, of course I'm not going to wear the meat hat. Don't be ridiculous.

Too much?

Wait a minute, we know how much I love fellow author Snooki. How would I look with a Snooki pouf?

...and Snooki boobs.

I think we have a winner. I look so writerly!

Thanks to my sister Lisa's friend Casey Clark, creative services director of Zimmerman Communications, for her time and Photoshop skills.

Before I get the real pictures taken, I'll get my hair done by a real professional. And I have a Groupon for a microdermabrasion facial, too! So if you notice my nose looks like it was added with Photoshop, you'll know why.

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