Monday, May 16, 2011

I'm Sure Jane Austen Agonized Over Author Photos Too

Last week my publisher asked for my author photo. I found a picture on my computer to send in, but it's just a placeholder for now. I didn't mention that I'm putting off getting my author photos taken.

I'll do it soon-ish, like this summer, but since there's not enough time to lose a metric buttload of weight before then, I at least want to grow my hair out. See, a couple months ago I got my haircut. Twice in two days. So I have a lot less than I'm used to. Yes, I have a hairstylist I've been going to for a while who I'm really happy with, but, um...I had a Groupon for a cut and color at another salon. Of course I had to try it because sometimes I don't think things through it was such a great deal and it looked like a nice place.

Long story short, I left the salon looking like I'd been attacked by a team of drunk scissor-wielding monkeys. Instead of the long layers I asked for, I had a multi-layer extravaganza that approached mullethood.

The next day I slinked into a trusted salon for a repair, and the guy did a great job transforming me into something like a normal person. But of course he had to work with what he had, which wasn't much. And I can get it looking pretty nice if I spend some time on it. I usually don't, though, and by the time I walk out into the 1000% humidity, I give up and resort to using my sunglasses as a headband.

And that won't do for the book jacket.

So if the publisher wants the photo sooner rather than later, what are some other options? Hats are in now, right, because of the recent royal wedding?

I know the hat doesn't hide the hair, but if you're wearing this, no one notices anything else, right? It does make a statement, that's for sure. But the statement is something like, "I have no idea how to shop."

Maybe a different look. This company makes some interesting hats that are good for any bad hair day:

They're also good for a bad face day.

But I don't know if that's the right look. How about something more creative? I can't think of anyone more creative than Lady Gaga. No, of course I'm not going to wear the meat hat. Don't be ridiculous.

Too much?

Wait a minute, we know how much I love fellow author Snooki. How would I look with a Snooki pouf?

...and Snooki boobs.

I think we have a winner. I look so writerly!

Thanks to my sister Lisa's friend Casey Clark, creative services director of Zimmerman Communications, for her time and Photoshop skills.

Before I get the real pictures taken, I'll get my hair done by a real professional. And I have a Groupon for a microdermabrasion facial, too! So if you notice my nose looks like it was added with Photoshop, you'll know why.


  1. Switch that lobster hat out with an elephant and I'd say you're good to go.

    And for the record, I like your hair!

  2. I saw that hat on your Twitter picture and couldn't stop laughing. And now these ... I'm afraid, no matter how good it is, your actual author photo (though doubtless beautiful) will be kind of anticlimactic.

  3. Oooh, I vote for the Snookie look! :D

    I totally stressed about author photos, but they ended up pretty good. It helped that I had someone else do my hair and makeup (which I fail at).

  4. DYING laughing at your Snooki pic.WIN!
    I had mine taken last week by my mom. (This only works if your mom is an actual photographer, BTW.) Also,my husband - who is ALSO a photographer, but more importantly an EXPERT in Photoshop, is going to "fix" the photo. No more wrinkles or gray hair, whiter teeth and eyes... I plan to look NOTHING like my author pic. I'll tell people I had it taken when I was younger, thinner, and carefree... before novel-writing had sucked the goodness out of my life. ;P

  5. I'm still laughing, and I read this ten minutes ago. No matter what you do for an author picture now, we're all going to be disappointed -- it's hard to top the lobster.

  6. Oh Lynne, you're hilarious -- I vote for the lobster, although it has nothing to do with your book, but you can really rock that urine-colored hair!


  7. I'm an Angolophile so I'm voting for the fascinator. But they'll all great! (As is the hair!)

  8. Thanks, Sarvenaz! And yeah, I can't believe Lady Gaga hasn't worn an elephant hat yet. She needs to get on that!

    Sarah and Miriam, I'm thinking the same thing-- everything else is going to fall short now.

    Jill, your photos did turn out adorable! I'll make appointments for the hair & makeup on picture day.

    Nikki, how awesome to have the photographers in the family! And thank goodness for Photoshop, right? I can't believe you'd need much retouching though.

    Chris, the hair does stand out, doesn't it? Even without the silver lobster.

    I agree, Caroline, the beard hat is awesome! Looks comfy and warm too.

    Thank you, Diana, it is a one-of-a-kind hat! And the neutral color goes with everything.

  9. I like the Snooki look too. I will pass along this link to the talented Ms. Clark.

  10. YESSS!! You 'shopped the Viking beard hat :D Awesome. I think I'm going to get one of those for when I'm feeling shy. Or hungover.

  11. Thanks, Lisa, I hope she sees that her efforts were put to good use.

    Yes, Friday, I loved the beardhats! Looks like they'd be nice for a cold day too. And how convenient that this style includes the cute little pigtails.

  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

  13. Lady Gaga has indeed worn an elephant on her head! It seems to be made out of hair. The reason most don't know about it is that she wore it on a 2009 TV appearance in Japan.

    The music video is no longer available do to a copyright claim, darn it, but photos linger on.

  14. Holy crap, Barbara, she really did wear an elephant on her head! Can't believe I hadn't seen that. Now that's the hairstyle I have to go for.

    Thanks for sharing!

  15. I just realized that my authorly photos showed a complete lack of creativity and photoshop skills! This is hilarious. We should all be Snooki!

  16. Love the looks! You need one more photo with Weird Al Yankovic hair. (He's an author now!) :)

  17. I have to say, that hat that, was it the Queen of York? wore, was horrible. I loved your restyling of it.

    I awarded you the Stylish Blogger Award. Come over to to claim your award.

  18. Haha, you had me at the fascinator! But it might be a tie between the beard hat and the Snookie poof :) You came up in my networked blogs "related blogs" widget since I use baby sign language with my son. So glad I stopped by and got a good laugh! Congrats on the book deal!!

  19. Jennifer, everything does pale in comparison, doesn't it? Can you imagine a world of Snookis? That would be interesting.

    Thanks, Kelly, I hadn't thought of the Weird Al hair, but that would be a fabulous look too!

    Thanks for the award, Cat! I do feel quite stylish. Have to credit the hat.

    Thank you, Amber, glad you came across the blog!