Can't Decide Whether to Noodle or Rent a Hog-Huntin' Helicopter

Some interesting new laws came into effect in Texas last week.

People are always complaining that the government should cut out the pork. Now you can help, thanks to a new law that makes it legal to hunt feral hogs from a helicopter.

www.HuntingHog.com

Wait just a minute, Antsy McGee. I know what you're thinking: "I've got a case of Budweiser, an AK-47, and a rented helicopter. What could go wrong?"

You're right, I can't think of anything either. But for the sake of All That Should Remain Unholey, be extra cautious and take the aerial hunting safety course first.

There's a reason there aren't many regulations on feral hog hunting--they're a highly adaptable invasive species that eats anything they can get their hooves on and leaves behind a giant mess wherever they go. (You know someone like this, I'm sure of it. Don't look at them right now, they'll know we're talking about them. Just keep looking at the computer.)

Now, imagine if they produced thirty offspring a year just like them. Feral hogs have up to twelve piglets per litter. I know, it sounds adorable, but they do a lot of damage.

I'm here to destroy you

Feral hogs have been a problem for a long time, and they do hundreds of millions of dollars' worth of damage every year, like by tearing up land and devouring crops. They've even destroyed golf courses.

That does it, Wilbur. You've gone to far.

Don't look at me like that. You know what you've done.

That's better. Not so cute now, are you?

Watch for more headlines containing the phrases "Hog Wild," "Bringing Home the Bacon," and "Aporkalypse Now."

And I know you'll be thrilled to find out that noodling is now legal. Didn't know it was illegal before? Or do you have no idea what noodling is? It's fishing. But you're the fishing pole. The bait too, come to think of it.



Yes, you shove your hand (or foot) into a catfish's mouth and hope that it bites you. I can't wait to get started. I don't even like catfish that much, I just want to see the look of horror from the manicurist when I go into the salon.

Speaking of poles, there's a new "Pole Tax." Yes, "pole." Strip clubs that serve alcohol are assessed a fee of $5 per customer to help fund sex offender prevention programs. Actually, the charge has been around for a couple years, but the money's been sitting there like a big tease that the state can't touch, because of a lawsuit from club owners who complain that the tax suppresses their right to free speech.

Not true, says the Texas Supreme Court. In delivering the unanimous decision of the court, Justice Nathan Hecht stated that, "The fee does not infringe upon a scantily-clad nubile young woman's freedom to speak on any topic of her choosing in front of an audience of sweaty patrons reeking of alcohol and broken dreams as they delight in her bouncing, writhing, and gyrating...sorry, what was I saying?"

But you know the clubs aren't going to eat that fee, so it'll be passed along to the customer, who will have fewer singles to wave around in the club. This will lead to tearful testimonials about Rick Perry "Literally yanking dollars from the G-strings of strippers," which makes a really funny picture.

I'm really happy about this one--you've seen the people who protest at funerals? I'm not even going to link to them, but the ones who think God is a big Mr. Hatey McCrankypants? No more funeral protests allowed, within three hours before or after the service. I tweeted my approval of the new law and got a reply from the protestors who noticed it:

I feel dirtier than a noodler in a strip club.

That's What (S)he said: Weekly Round-Up

The other day I wrote about several recent and upcoming elephant books for kids. Thankfully, you can never have too many elephant books, and none of them look similar to my own book. But maybe you've had that problem--you had a great idea for a book, then discover that someone else (or a few someone elses) wrote a book a lot like it. Now what? See Jen Nadol's guest post on the Cynsations blog, "Oh No! Someone Used My Idea!"

A trending topic on Twitter that's funny for some reason we can't explain and might have stolen some of my productivity this week is #replacebooktitleswithbacon. Some favorites: Are You There, God? It's Me, Bacon, How Stella Got Her Bacon Back, and Something Bacon This Way Comes.

One thing that keeps me reading a book is wondering how in the world the character is going to make it through his predicament. Are the stakes high enough in your own book? Not until the reader can't see a way out. Kara Lennox has a great article, "Is Your Black Moment Enough?" on Anna DeStefano's blog.

If you're interested in author marketing, be sure to bookmark Kristen Lamb's blog. We authors are really good at networking with each other, but it's harder to reach out to our readers online. "The Secret to Selling Books Part I--Let's Get Sticky", shows how we can better connect with our audience.

Here's a video I just saw today, but I have a feeling it'll go viral. Perfectly captures the emotional stages a writer goes through when writing a novel. I especially love the editing stage:


What happens to an elephant who survives a land mine explosion? If she knows the right people, she gets a giant prosthetic leg! Edited to add: Just saw that there's a documentary being made about the hospital that cares for this elephant and others injured by land mines. Learn more and see the trailer on the Eyes of Thailand website.

In other animal news, how can you not love a girl who punches a bear in the face to save her dog?

Have a fun and safe holiday weekend! Watch out for bears. But if you do see one, you know what to do now.

Elephants: The New Vampires

It seems like elephants are everywhere lately, and not just in my house. They're showing up in a lot of books. (And an Oscar-worthy movie you may have heard of.)

The upcoming elephant books for kids I've seen all look awesome, and thankfully not too similar to my own (like what happens in the "Oh No! Someone Used My Idea!" experience).

Since you can never have too many elephant books, here are some to look for:

THE MASTERWORK OF A PAINTING ELEPHANT by Michelle Cuevas (Farrar, Straus, & Giroux, October 2011)
I remember seeing the listing for this one back when it sold and thinking it sounded fabulous. Here's the description from the publisher's website:

Ever since he was an infant, Pigeon Jones has lived on the back of an artistically gifted white elephant named Birch. Birch is a loving father, but that doesn’t stop Pigeon from wondering about the human parents who abandoned him. Birch has dreams, too—of being a well-known artist, and of finding the acrobat he fell in love with while they performed together in a circus years ago.

And so, on Pigeon’s tenth birthday, their search for fame and lost loves begins. Pigeon and Birch paint their way across the world, dodging an evil circus ringleader, freeing zoo animals, and befriending singing hoboes along the way. But when they reach the end of their journey, Birch must master the most difficult art of all: letting go and allowing his beloved Pigeon to stand on his own two feet.

Switching from fantasy to historical fiction, one that's completely different but from the same publishing house (Macmillan's leading the herd in the elephant trend) is the young adult novel AN ELEPHANT IN THE GARDEN by WAR HORSE author Michael Morpurgo (Feiwel & Friends, October 2011).

Lizzie and Karl’s mother is a zoo keeper; the family has become attached to an orphaned elephant named Marlene, who will be destroyed as a precautionary measure so she and the other animals don’t run wild should the zoo be hit by bombs. The family persuades the zoo director to let Marlene stay in their garden instead. When the city is bombed, the family flees with thousands of others, but how can they walk the same route when they have an elephant in tow, and keep themselves safe? Along the way, they meet Peter, a Canadian navigator who risks his own capture to save the family.

As Michael Morpurgo writes in an author’s note, An Elephant in the Garden is inspired by historical truths, and by his admiration for elephants, “the noblest and wisest and most sensitive of all creatures.” Here is a story that brings together an unlikely group of survivors whose faith in kindness and love proves the best weapon of all.

TUA AND THE ELEPHANT by Randal Harris, illustrated by Taeeun Yoo (Chronicle Books, March 2012).

Not much online about this one other than the Publishers Marketplace announcement where it was described as "...a middle-grade novel about the remarkable journey of a young girl who rescues and befriends an elephant."

And a couple of this year's elephant books that are already out:

I loved SMALL AS AN ELEPHANT by Jennifer Richard Jacobson (Candlewick, March 2011). It's a midgrade novel, but one that I think teens and adults would enjoy too. This was a hard one to put down, because I had to keep reading to find out where Jack was going to go next and if he would find his mom.

Ever since Jack can remember, his mom has been unpredictable, sometimes loving and fun, other times caught in a whirlwind of energy and "spinning" wildly until it’s over. But Jack never thought his mom would take off during the night and leave him at a campground in Acadia National Park, with no way to reach her and barely enough money for food. Any other kid would report his mom gone, but Jack knows by now that he needs to figure things out for himself - starting with how to get from the backwoods of Maine to his home in Boston before DSS catches on. With nothing but a small toy elephant to keep him company, Jack begins the long journey south, a journey that will test his wits and his loyalties - and his trust that he may be part of a larger herd after all.

Ann Downer's ELEPHANT TALK: THE SURPRISING SCIENCE OF ELEPHANT COMMUNICATION (Lerner, 2011) is fascinating nonfiction book about elephant communication.
Here's a bit about the book from Ann's website:

Everyone has heard a bull elephant trumpeting, in a Tarzan movie or at the zoo. When we think about elephant communication, we think about that call. But elephant communication is much more complex and much more interesting that what we can hear with our human ears. Did you know that elephants also communicate through low-frequency rumbles we can’t hear? Or that they read vibrations in the ground through pads on their specially adapted feet? Or that they send signals to rivals and mates using chemical signals and body language?

Share your favorite elephant books in the comments, if you have some I haven't mentioned here. Any others you know of that are coming soon?

Then go on and write that elephant-lion romance book. I know you're thinking about it.

That's What (S)he said: Weekly Round-Up

Hi, people!

It's an exciting time around here lately, with moving the daughter in to her new place for her sophomore year of college, listening to colorful descriptions of what it's like to assemble Ikea furniture, and maybe seeing a sketch of the cover art for CHAINED. (Nothing to share yet, but if I did see such a sketch, it's really awesome.)

Meanwhile, here are last week's favorite things found on the Internet:

I hope everyone on the East Coast is staying safe from the hurricane. Those who still have electricity (or plenty of battery life) are staying updated and sharing storm humor via Twitter. Here are a few funny tweets about Hurricane Irene from The Huffington Post.

Do you keep meaning to connect with people online, but feel like you don't have the time? See "7 Tips For Finding Time For Social Media" from Inkling Media.

Getting an agent is a huge step toward getting published, but what happens if your book doesn't sell? Edan Lepucki has a great "Shutting the Drawer" post on The Millions blog about that heartbreaking problem.

Now, a couple of fun elephant videos. This is fascinating-- an elephant's problem-solving when the fruit on the tree is too high:



And I love Ricky Gervais' take on elephants who have been "caught swimming:"



Reminds me of the cat who was caught barking:



I feel like a big tease giving you book recommendations this week, because the books I've been reading won't be out till next year! A perk of being in the Apocalypsies is that I'll have a chance to read some of the books before they're released. But put THE MAPMAKER AND THE GHOST by Sarvenaz Tash on your list if you'd like a good midgrade adventure, and FRACTURE by Megan Miranda for a young adult paranormal thriller you won't be able to put down.

Speaking of awesome paranormal YA novels, Gretchen McNeil's POSSESS was just released, so pick up that one if you haven't yet! But you'll probably want to sleep with the lights on.

Have a great week!

Plotting For the Non-Plotter: Organized Brainstorming

I'm not very organized. There are a couple layers of things covering my desk right now, for example, but I sort of know where things are. Some organizing is good for me, though, to avoid wasted time searching for things or recreating my entire year on an Excel document when it's tax time.

Same goes for my writing--I'm not much of a plotter, since I like to see the story unfold as I go. Also I usually have an idea of a few scenes that will show up at some point, so that's kind of like that knowing approximately where things are on or around my desk. But it does help to have an idea where I'm going so I don't end up chasing something shiny down a trail to randomland. Plus, I decided that my next midgrade novel will have a mystery, so I need to do enough plotting to make sure everything comes together. And there are ways for us pantsers to plot that give us a little guidance without making us feel boxed in.

I mentioned in a weekend post that I attended a brainstorming session at a local write-a-thon that was super-helpful in working out the plot of that next midgrade novel. I'd done some brainstorming on the story already, but it was kind of like "I have this character, and her family, and I think I know where they'll go, and some other stuff that happens."

Not quite enough to know where I was going. But Lynn Lorenz, who led the brainstorming sessions, took out her magical pad of paper and pen and started asking questions and writing. In about twenty minutes I left with this:

Hard to decipher if you weren't there, but I have a list of possible "culprits" for the mystery; one of those will be the real explanation or guilty party, and I'll use some of the others as red herrings. I'm not even sure yet which is going to be the real culprit yet, so I have the flexibility to allow that to be revealed as I write.

In addition to listing qualities of each character, we discussed how they're connected to one another; that's more plotting, since it's about their relationships. I'd had a minor character in mind, a cute boy that the main character meets along the way, but he'll have a bigger part than just looking cute now-- he'll work with the main character Nessie to try to solve the mystery. He may even have a clue he doesn't know is a clue. And of course Nessie's little brother will be trying to hang out with them all the time.

We also listed things about the setting (Lake Champlain, I'm thinking, and not just 'cause it'd make an awesome research trip) to consider as I write the story.

When discussing plotting again in a later session, Lynn showed a kind of plotting that reminded me of the Beat Sheet from Save the Cat!, another great resource for do-able plotting for the reluctant plotter, although this is even more flexible.

Dividing your book into four approximately equal parts, mark at the end of each section where an important turning point for your character will be. You can draw a chart on paper, but sticky notes on a posterboard or wall is more fun.

So the plan for a 20-chapter book would look like this, with one sticky note representing one chapter:

That first turning point will probably be that "point of no return," when your character has left the old life behind and is starting the new one. Knowing the other important turning points that will come up throughout the character's journey helps avoid writing a story that sags in the middle. After you figure out what those turning points will be, go back and write the scenes needed for your character to get to each one. On the remaining sticky notes you can fill in what will happen in the chapters leading up to each turning point.

For more plotting help, here are a couple of awesome resources I found online recently:

Adventures in Children's Publishing's "Plotting Made Easy" Complications Worksheet
Martha Alderson, aka The Plot Whisperer, has a 27-part series about plotting on her YouTube channel.
Janice Hardy's Tips for Plotting Your Novel on Chris Eboch's blog

Share in the comments your favorite ways to plot! Even those of us who don't like to plot can benefit from doing just enough to keep us from getting distracted from what's important.

That's What (S)he said: Weekly Round-Up

Hi everyone! Here are a few favorite links from the week:

Agent Rachelle Gardner has an excellent blog, and she recently asked her clients to participate in a "Parade of Blogs," in which they each post on a particular topic. See the list of links for the first Parade of Blogs topic, "How does an author go about building a platform and marketing books?" There's so much good information there, it's one to bookmark for later revisits.

I love Twitter, but I have a few pet peeves about how it's used sometimes. Like the ones listed here in "My Top 5 Twitter Turn-Offs." Add "people who follow and unfollow the same day," and you've got my list.

And how's this for a rejection? Ever get your submission blown up?

Kate Hart's Field Trip Friday, Twitter Version includes some of the week's best tweets about publishing, writing, the SCBWI conference, and other entertaining things, like the #kidsbookorADULTbook fun some of us had on Monday.

The inspiring and entertaining article about THE HELP author Kathryn Sockett's rejections has been making the rounds all over the place, but check it out if you haven't seen it yet.

And my exciting news of the week-- I found out that CHAINED has release date! Because it's up on Amazon!

Here's how it felt to see that:

We Weren't Even Drinking When We Wrote the Acknowledgments

I found out today that I need to turn in my acknowledgments page. It's kind of fun, remembering all the people who've helped me with the research, writing, and editing of CHAINED, but I'm still worried about turning it in. What if I sound like a dork? Or I'm too wordy? Worse, what if I'm not wordy enough and I forget someone? I've kept a running list of people to thank, but I'm sure I didn't list everyone who answered a question or two.

I mentioned on Twitter that I'd like to just thank everyone I've ever met and call it done. Or I could submit my list of Twitter followers. There are some pretty awesome people.

A few of those awesome people joined in on the fun and offered more acknowledgment page suggestions.

Here are some alternatives to turning in my Twitter list or the "Thank you, everyone I've ever met" document.

Just imagining everyone's confusion would make these worthwhile.

This goes well with, "Any mistakes should be credited to people who told me wrong stuff."

Then we got even sillier, thinking about the thanks we owe to Cheez-Its and cupcakes and other refreshments.

Nothing gets done without the beverages. And chocolate.

Gah! How could I forget the elephants? And elephant keeper story would be really boring without any elephants. Ok, so it's everyone I've ever met, my Twitter list, random people, me, snacks, beverages, and elephants. That should be it.

Oh no. If we're including the air we breathe this could lead to an exhaustive list of Things We Need...

I'm starting to feel like Navin Johnson leaving home:


Ok, anyone else I could be forgetting?


Of course, the Romans. They want credit for everything.

Well, you know what's going to happen now. This'll just start a whole new debate.


So, writers who've been through this before, how did you decide who to include on your acknowledgments page? Were you able to list everyone you wanted to, or did you have to keep it short? Did you leave anyone out and regret it later? Any hints you can share will be appreciated. Really, I'd thank each and every one of you.