10 Ways The Taste Is Like the Publication World

This week I watched the new cooking competition show The Taste, which is a lot like The Voice, but with a bite of food instead of a song.

A quick description if you're not familiar with it: contestants, who are either professional chefs or really good home cooks, have one chance--literally one bite--to impress the panel of superstar food people. If one or more of the judges falls in love with that one bite, they'll offer the chef a spot on their team. (From there I guess they'll compete against one another and have elimination rounds until there's one chef left standing who'll be crowned The Bite or something like that).

On the surface it probably seems to have nothing to do with writing, but it so much of what was happening reminded me of the struggle to become a published author.

Here are some things I noticed, and a few quotes, that especially hit home: (no quotes from Ludo, since I can't understand the guy. Seriously, I'd be in trouble if I were on the show and ended up on his team).

- Almost everyone made seafood. I found this surprising, since seafood is easy to screw up. Maybe if you're a good cook it makes for an impressive dish. But if everyone's serving up seafood, yours had better really stand out if you want to get attention.
And if you're trying to get published, write that vampire novel if you must, but it has to be especially awesome and offer something your reader hasn't seen before in all the other vampire novels out there.
Only one contestant made a dessert--a home chef, and she did get selected. The panelists were impressed, and Nigella is confident that she has the talent to make all kinds of dishes, not just desserts. Part of what made her stand out might have been that she gave them something different.

- "I liked it, but it's not for me." If you've been submitting to editors or agents for any amount of time, you've likely heard something like this. And it's not a bad thing at all. It means you're a good writer, but your manuscript hasn't landed on the right desk yet. You're giving scallops to someone who doesn't care for scallops.
Several of the contestants impressed the judges with their cooking skills, but the dish just wasn't the kind of food they love, or maybe it was too fancy-chefy when they're more of a comfort food fan.

- On the other hand, "I hate butterscotch. I have no idea where you pulled these ingredients from, but it strangely worked for me." This was Anthony Bourdain's response to the Chilean sea bass with butterscotch and cilantro dressing. Not usually his thing, but it was so good he had to take it on.
This reminded me of agent Faye Bender taking on Kristen Cashore's Graceling, even though she doesn't usually represent fantasy. Or the "rules" like "No rhyming picture books." You still see rhyming picture books getting published, right? So publishers do accept them, but they have to be stellar. It's hard to do well and not many people have the talent to do it, but when it does come together, it's beautiful.
Of course, do your research and submit to agents who you think will like your work, but if your book is amazing, they'll want to see more, even if it's something they don't generally gravitate to.

- "Were you stoned at 3:00 in the morning when you did this?" Another Anthony quote, one you don't want to hear about yourself. Agents get a lot of crazypants submissions. Don't be one of those people.

- Feel the fear and do it anyway. The contestants stood in a kind of elevator-thing, where they could hear the panelists' comments about their dishes. Sometimes the comments were great, sometimes they were terrible. It's a necessary step in moving on, but I can't imagine how intimidating that must have been. At least when we writers get rejected it's not in front of a national audience.
It's scary to send your work out there, but you won't get anywhere if you don't.

- But don't quit your day job. A few of the people mentioned they'd quit their jobs in order to try out for the show. A risky move, but a necessary one if they wanted to seize this opportunity and didn't have bosses willing to hold their jobs for them. Hopefully the ones who didn't make it will find new jobs soon.
I'm thrilled for authors who earn enough from their books to become full-time writers. But they're the exceptions to the rule; most of us won't be able to live the pantless life of a stay-at-home writer. It takes years to get published, and even after you sell a book, it might be a few months before you see the money. And most of the time, the money is a nice supplement to your income, but you'll need to continue doing something that brings in a regular paycheck.

- "There's too much going on here." This was a sentiment expressed several times, in one way or another, like with "This was a mishmash of flavor" or "My taste buds are still trying to figure out what happened."
Yes, you want to be original, but in a good way. Does your novel really need vampires, unicorns, wizards, ninjas, zombies, and mermaids? That's the literary version of pineapple maitake ground turkey sun-dried tomato mac-and-cheese stir-fry. (I did not make that up).

- Your kids love your cooking, but maybe no one else will. Like I mentioned in this post about query letters, of course your children like it when you write a story and read it to them, but mentioning that isn't going to impress an editor or agent. Every contestant on the show has family members, friends, even restaurant patrons who love their food. But like editors and agents, the panel of food experts had to be super-picky. They had room on their teams not just the great chefs, but the exceptional ones.

- Don't be a jerk. A good rule for life, really, not just for writing. Some of the chefs who weren't selected made comments like, "The people I've seen make it through are hacks" and "Nigella picked a woman who made mashed potatoes. I think my dish was a bit more complex than that." Well, you know what? Everyone likes mashed potatoes. "Complex" doesn't automatically mean "fabulous."
And are we sorry these people didn't succeed? Maybe it's shallow, but no. We cheer for nice people. People have long memories, and the Internet is forever. If you enjoy insulting reviewers and putting down other writers, expect to travel the road to publication alone.

- Not everyone chosen was a pro. Many of the contestants who made it through weren't professional chefs; they're just people who love to cook, and if we have a passion for something, we often do it well.
If you're unpublished so far, don't make any apologies for it when you submit your manuscript. You're a writer, and debut novels get published every month. If you love the work, keep doing it till someone takes a bite.

And am I the only one who wants to see more of Jeanette Friedman? Somebody give this woman her own show!

The Query Letter Post: Hints For Writing Them, and the One That Got Me Represented

This week at the Houston SCBWI

It feels exactly this awkward to ask.
But if they like it, they'll put a ring on it

meeting I did a brief presentation about writing query letters, and was asked afterward if I'd send my own query letter from CHAINED to the group's listserv so members could have it as an example.

It occurred to me on the way home that it'd be better to include it in a blog post so I could share it with whoever would like to see it, and SuperAgent Joanna kindly agreed to add her own comments about what she thought when she first read the letter!

First, a quick definition of a query letter and a few do's and don'ts of writing them:

A query letter is a one-page letter that a writer sends to an editor or agent, asking to submit a completed manuscript. The goal is to concisely describe the manuscript in a way that will entice them to request it.

What to include in your query:

- A hook: one-sentence tagline to spark the reader's interest
- Genre and age group of the book: middle-grade fantasy or young adult contemporary fiction, for example. (But don't say "fiction novel" or you will get a punch in the throat)
- A mini-synopsis: a paragraph or two about the book, including the main characters and their problem
- A little about yourself: This is hard to write if you're unpublished, but mention if your line of work somehow has to do with your subject matter, or with writing or literature in general. Or just let them know you're in a writers' organization like SCBWI, for example.

What not to do:

x Mass emails. Of course you should be querying more than one person at a time; agents and editors often take a long time to respond, and you're not expected to wait two months or more to for a response before you send your query to someone else. Just don't fill the "To:" field of your email with every agent you've ever heard of. Select a few appropriate agents for your work, and if they accept email submissions, send them one at a time, personalizing the email to avoid a generic "Dear Agent" letter. (And check before clicking "send" to make sure the name in the "To:" field matches the name in the greeting).
x Mention that your kids loved your story. Of course they did. They depend on you for food. Telling the editor or agent that your children, grandchildren, the neighborhood kids, or your horde of cats love your book will not impress anyone and will mark you as an amateur.
x Fancy fonts or paper. You're probably emailing your query, but if you're submitting to someone who accepts snail mail, use plain white paper that you have not sprayed with perfume. However you send your letter, use a readable font like Times New Roman. I know, your letter written in Curlz font on purple glitter paper is adorable, but there'll be plenty of time for annoying your agent once you're represented.
x Compare yourself to J.K. Rowling. Another thing that will scream "I have no idea what I'm doing and I've done zero research." Let your work stand on its own and let the agent/editor judge the writing. You're not J.K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer; you're you. Also, don't insult other writers and everyone in the industry by trashing existing books.

I think I can sum up what you should do by saying "Do a little research and follow submission guidelines." Submit to editors and agents who are a good fit for the kind of work you're doing, and always check the agency's or publisher's websites to see if they're accepting submissions and how they want you to send your query. Most accept queries by email now, but some do not. Some want the query letter only, while others ask that you include some manuscript pages.

Here are a few resources to check out for more information, though a Google search for "query letters" will give you approximately a kajillion thousand eleventy-pants more results, so there's plenty of information out there:

- Agentquery.com
- Query Shark
- Querytracker
- Writer's Digest (examples of query letters with agent comments)
- Harold Underdown's The Purple Crayon
- The SCBWI

And now, the query letter for CHAINED! I sent this to about thirty agents in all, and had several requests and eventually two offers of representation. Agent Joanna Volpe's comments are in blue:

Dear Ms. Stampfel-Volpe,

I have written a mid-grade novel of about 50,000 words that I'd like to submit to you if it sounds like something you'd be interested in reading. CHAINED is the story of two captives-- one a boy, one an elephant.
[This line already had captured my attention. I've been a long time animal lover (I had a subscription to Ranger Rick's well into my teen years. Don't make fun!) I don't typically see stories starring elephants, and I really liked the title.]

To work off a family debt, 10-year-old Hastin leaves his desert home in Northern India [Something else that piqued my interest. India! A fascinating and different setting than I'm used to seeing. My heart also went out to this kid immediately at having to work off a family debt.] to work as an elephant keeper. His new boss, Timir, plans to revive his old circus, starting with the elephant act. Hastin's new workplace is as strange to him as the green and humidity of the nearby rain forest. Why was this circus, which used to be the best around, forced to close down years before, only to be abandoned until now? How does the cook know everything there is to know about elephants? How does a person free an elephant from a trap, and how in the name of Ganesh does he take care of her when he does?
[I don't typically love when questions are posed in queries. More often than not, it feels like a forced way to catch an agent's interest. But in this case, there was something so innocent and naïve about the way the questions were asked. I just had this quick thought of "Hello, Hastin." I knew it was him.]

Surviving failed escape attempts, stolen money, an elephant hook, heat stroke, and a shared stable, the friendship between Hastin and Nandita the elephant grows stronger with each passing year, until they discover that the bond that links them together is stronger than any shackle, lock, or chain.
[This whole paragraph is great because it gives me a taste of what's to come, but that final line…I think we've used that in one way or another straight through to publication. I know I added it to my pitch! It's SO good. This might be the line that really captured me 100% because it really cuts to the heart of what this story is about.]

Author Uma Krishnaswami critiqued the manuscript and has been kind enough to offer to answer more questions about Indian culture if needed, and to read the story again to vet it before publication.
[This was just the icing on the cake to show me that she did her research—it certainly would have been one of my first questions when we talked.]  

A few editors have requested the manuscript, and I have listed them here, along with where I met them. :

·  [Awesome Editor A]  - First pages workshop
·  [Fabulous Editor B] - Highlights conference at Chautauqua
·  [Rock Star Editor C] - Houston SCBWI conference
[Since I had no writing credits or anything, this was sort of my "bio" and a way to show that I was actively participating in SCBWI events, for example, and getting my writing critiqued by editors, and to let them know there was some interest in the manuscript. ~Lynne]

Thank you so much for your time.

Sincerely,

Lynne Kelly

Hope these tips and the example help those of you who are working on your queries. Have any other helpful hints? Please share in the comments. Thanks so much to Joanna for taking the time to look over the letter again and adding her feedback!

How to Annoy a Writer This Holiday Season

Hi everyone!

Here's a little video I made for the Class of 2k12 blog recently, so I'm reposting here for your amusement. It has just a few of the funny questions writers often get, plus a message about what we're thankful for.



Writers, what other questions do you dread answering? And aren't you done with that book yet?

9 Writing Lessons From Jaws

I already miss Shark Week. Seven days of sharks just isn't enough. So, I re-watched Jaws recently, and found that besides the entertainment value, it offers some good tips for writers.

There's plenty of wisdom in the movie, but here are nine lessons I found that apply to the writing life:

1. You're gonna need a bigger boat.
Writing can be a lonely journey. We do work in isolation most of the time, but it's much easier and much more pleasant with a support system. Find a group of local writers and/or online groups to network with. It's no fun to celebrate your good news or weather a storm all alone in your little boat. Have a community of writers to help you along the voyage.

Shark hunter Quint insisted his small boat was just
fine, and even wanted to shun any help and go
completely alone. And how did that work out, Quint? Oh, right, you can't answer that. You know, since the shark wrecked your boat and ate you. And great idea, smashing the radio to isolate yourself even more when you needed help.

Remember too that being in a writers' community is a reciprocal relationship; help out your friends when they need you. Don’t lie there drunk on the beach when they're getting mauled by a shark, you big jerk.

2. Sometimes subtle is better.
This bit of wisdom could also be called "Sometimes mistakes work out for the best." During the making of the movie, Bruce the mechanical shark wasn't cooperating. Steven Spielberg decided to use the ominous music to indicate the shark was nearby. That anticipation, the knowing what was coming without seeing it, turned out to be much more compelling than showing the actual shark approaching and attacking. Weaving in some foreshadowing or a hint that something's wrong lets that sense of foreboding creep in, and gives your story more suspense. Much more so than punching the reader in the face with horror. Or biting them in the face, as the case may be.

3. Have a plan, even if it's a rough one.
If you're like me, you prefer to see your story's plot unfold as you write it, rather than plotting it all out first. But it helps to have some idea where it's going. You can think about a few turning points in your story and where your character will end up and how they'll change, yet still have the freedom to figure out the details as you write.

Remember the guys who tried to catch the shark by tossing a roast into the water and chaining it to the dock? The dock they were standing on? Having no plan at all and no structure to hold on to can lead to everything falling apart beneath you. Chief Brody's team didn't know exactly how they'd catch the shark, but they had a boat, some weapons, and piano wire fishing line.

4. Chum the waters.

It seems obvious, but tell a good story that grab the readers’s attention. When Quint told the guys about his war experience in the torpedoed submarine, they hardly blinked, they were so fascinated. The details and the way the narrative unfolded pulled the listeners in, gave them some good suspense while they waited for what would happen, and didn’t let go till the end. Keep your readers intrigued and wanting more, so they can't help but turn the page to find out what will happen next.

5. Don't bite off more than you can chew, or anything that will explode in your face.
Be careful about overcommitting yourself. To make writing a priority, other things might have to slide. Only you can figure out what to take on and what to turn down, but it'll be up to you to schedule your writing time, or it'll end up being last on your list after you take care of everything and everyone else. Some people are good at taking advantage of small chunks of time throughout the day, while others need a larger block of time all at once.

And a note about explodey things. We know the shark met its (un)timely death via pressurized SCUBA tank. As long as we have the Internet, there will be people who enjoy annoying people. And they'll try to reel you in. Maybe they hated your book so much they feel compelled to email you and tell you about it. Or send you tweets about it. Or maybe they just enjoy arguing with anyone who will listen. So don't. Don't take the bait, don't bite down on the pressurized tank. 'Cause that just gets messy. Save yourself. Swim away.

When things are especially bad, lay low and emerge when the biting's done

6. Know when to call Richard Dreyfuss.
Chief Brody started reading a lot about sharks after those first attacks on the beach, but he knew that wasn't enough. After doing his own research, he called in a shark expert.

I don't know how many books and online resources I read about India, elephants, and Burma while writing CHAINED, but the best research I did was talking to people who've lived in those countries and to elephant experts. I learned things from their personal experiences that I never would have picked up from books or a website. Learn all you can about whatever you need to know for your book, but contact experts when you need to know more, or to check your facts. Reading on your own will help you figure out what questions to ask, but you can learn more from people who’ve lived in the world you’re writing about than you will by only reading. People are generally more than happy to talk about their passions, and if someone's writing about them, they want it to be authentic.

7. You'll get there faster if you don't hurry.
Quint, who was stubborn enough to insist his boat was adequate for catching the shark, also ran the engine too hard when the other men were warning him to slow down. It wasn't enough just to ignore their advice; he ran the boat even faster, until it finally broke down. His obsession with achieving his goal made him blind to common sense and good advice.

Writing a good book takes time. Getting published takes more time. Rushing into the publishing world, sending a manuscript too early, querying agents as soon as your first draft is fresh off the printer, will just leave you in a cloud of black smoke, adrift in your broken-down little boat. Take the time you need to write the awesomest book you can, then have it critiqued by writers you trust to give you honest feedback. Then revise it, and revise it again. And again, until you're at the point where you can't think of anything else to do to make the story better. Before you send it out, do your research to find reputable agents or editors who are interested in acquiring the kind of book you've written.

8. Have something to cling to when your boat sinks.
Most authors don't rely only on writing as their only income. Don't quit your "day job" because you want to stay home and work on your novel. I mentioned that a great book takes time to write, and once that's finished, the query and manuscript submission process can take anywhere from a couple of months to forever-ish. Hopefully your book is fabulous and will sell to a publisher for a hefty advance, but even if that does happen, it'll be a while before you see any of the money. Some of your advance will come few months after the sale, more after your edits are done, and maybe the last of it when the book is released, generally 18 months to two years after the sale. Not many people can survive that long between paychecks. (My idea-to-publication journey took six years, and that's not at all unusual).

When the Orca was in tatters at the end of the movie, our heroes didn't drown. They each grabbed on to a yellow barrel and stayed afloat.


9. Celebrate with maniacal laughter after a success.
...Or whatever else you'd like to do to celebrate. Of course you'll celebrate the book deal, but remember the smaller steps along the way too. Finishing a new draft, getting a request from an agent, catching an editor's interest--all of that gets you closer to your blowing-up-the-shark moment. Enjoy a nice dinner out, take a break to read a book, or buy a little gift to reward yourself.

I'm sure there are more writing lessons and/or life lessons in the movie, so let me know what others you think of.

So this tides you over till the next Shark Week, right?

I know, nothing comes close to Shark Week. But you didn't do much writing that week, did you?

Because a Tiled Car Would Be Ridiculous

Usually when I leave work I'm ready to hurry home to all the fun I'm missing on the Internet get back to writing a new novel, but I saw something the other day that made me turn around and re-park. 

Never mind the hubcaps, just make sure it's well carpeted

Here's a view from the front.

You'd never believe it without the pictures, right? And you'd never get away with writing such a spectacle into a story. Imagine the conversation that would go on if you were getting a critique of a novel about a character who had such a car.

"Wait a minute, so...he got the car carpeted?"

"That's right."

"But...how? Why?"

"The carpet store would do it, I guess. Or maybe an auto shop. Maybe there's a guy at the auto shop who's a carpet installer. And he got it done because it looks awesome and it was cheaper than a paint job."

"Is it outdoor carpet?"

"Nope. Just regular carpet, like you'd get in your living room."

"I guess it would save money on car washes."

"Sure, he wouldn't go to the car wash. Well, except to use the vacuum."

"So what does he do when it rains? Cover it with a giant shower cap?"

"I don't know. Stays home, maybe."

"Well that's convenient. And what's with the skulls?"

"It's decorated with a few animal skulls. Other animal bones, too. Like legs, maybe. Oh, and overturned salad bowls."

"Oh, come ON!" 

I know, it's completely unrealistic, yet here we are. Carpeted and beskulled and bebowled.

And in case you couldn't see the hood ornament well enough:

I did go on home after gawking and getting the pictures, although I was tempted to just hang out by the car until the owner returned so I could ask how this all happened. And really, I think we can safely assume the owner isn't a criminal or anything. Wouldn't make the best getaway car, would it? "Sorry, ma'am, we lost the assailant after a brief chase, when he blended in with all the other cars covered with home flooring...".

Come to think of it, my car did look really boring parked next to this one. Thankfully the cobblestones have really livened it up.

Why Isn't This My Job?

I'm sure we all have a few dream jobs in mind--chocolate tester, fireman calendar photographer, stay-at-home reader of bestselling novels--but I have a new one.

I'm talking of course about Entertainment Coordinator for Baby Pandas.




You people know how much I love elephants, but really. Until someone invents a slide that baby elephants can play on, this is my new dream job.

I can't imagine a better career than leading pandas down a slide, but please share if you know of one.

Happy World Elephant Day!

Yes, it's World Elephant Day, the day where all good little elephants wake up to find presents under their trees and apples in their baskets. Or something like that.



However they celebrate, we can stop by The World Elephant Day website and watch the new documentary, Return to the Forest, about efforts in Thailand to re-introduce elephants to the wild after captivity. Here's the trailer:



And if that wasn't enough to entice you, it's narrated by William Shatner.

To continue the party, here are a few more of my favorite elephant stories found online:

Rajan the elephant retires after thirty years of working as a water taxi. He's been replaced by motorboats, which wouldn't be nearly as much fun.



Speaking of swimming elephants, Ricky Gervais talks about elephants "caught swimming" in the ocean:



A hotel was built on this elephant herd's migration path, but that doesn't stop them:



The article "A Mother's Determination: Elephant Rescues Baby Trapped in Mud" has amazing photos of an elephant freeing her calf from a mud hole.

And here's an article with pictures of an elephant funeral procession, not for another elephant but for the human known as "The Elephant Whisperer."

Enjoy your Elephant Day, but don't overdo the peanuts!