A Sweet Deal On the Write Hope Auction For Japan

Hi everyone! Cross-posting with Will Write For Cake today to direct everyone to the Write Hope blog for a way to help out Japan and get a critique from all of us in the Will Write For Cake bunch!

A group of writers for children and young adults has set up the Write Hope auction to benefit Japanese relief efforts through the organization Save the Children. You can bid on the donated items like signed books, critiques, marketing consultations, and more, including a critique from the members of Will Write For Cake. We'll critique a full picture book manuscript or the first twenty pages of your midgrade or YA manuscript. And we have authors published at all those levels-- PB, MG, and YA, and in both fiction and nonfiction.

I know from experience that this group gives fantastic critiques, so you'll get great feedback! The auction offers lots of great items, so if bidding on a critique isn't for you right now, scroll through the listings to find something more to your liking, or click on their "Donate" tab in the sidebar for another way to give.

Thanks, and good luck with the bidding!

More Children's Books From The Celebrity Apprentice

If The Celebrity Apprentice saw a jump in ratings this week, they probably have the children's literature community to thank. Writers, book lovers, and publishing professionals tuned in, knowing it would be somewhat painful, but we had to watch, even if we'd have to do so while peeking through our fingers like we were watching a horror movie.

The challenge for each team this week was to write a children's book and perform the story in front of a group of real, live children. (And you know someone on staff had the task of checking cast members' probation requirements to make sure that was okay.)

Here's where it gets more interesting--the book had to be about someone on the team. A children's book. About one of the Celebrity Apprentice cast members. Have you seen the participants? The only way it could get train-wreckier is if they threw in the love child of Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson.

Editor Margery Cuyler of Marshall Cavendish advised the teams, not knowing that she should tell them to do the opposite of what she really wanted them to do. She told the men's team not to write a rhyming story. John Rich (of Big & Rich) interpreted that to mean he should take on the challenge of writing a rhyming book.

No, John, she wasn't daring you to try it. She really meant it. Don't.

But, the men do have two songwriters on the team--John Rich and Lil Jon, so maybe it wouldn't be too bad. The team chose John Rich to write the text of the book, probably because they couldn't decide whether Lil Jon's "Can't Stop Pimpin'" or "Move Bitch" would make a better picture book. Lil Jon did end up being the main character, though, as a boy who was teased at school because he was, well, lil. Of course the teasing intensified because the schoolchildren reasoned, naturally, that his shortness precluded him from learning the alphabet and counting. But Jon showed them at the end, via rap, that he did indeed know his ABCs and 123s. Then he promptly bust a cap in their kindergarten asses.

The women's team, after two hours of screaming arguments and insults, settled on a book about LaToya the Lion, who couldn't roar. (Spoiler alert--she was able to roar at the end!).

I know there's so much we miss because of editing, so I can't help but imagine some of the discussions that ended up on the cutting room floor. Here are some titles I would like to have seen come out of those conversations:

Gary Busey: "I got it. Let's write about a pigeon named Gary and make a book kinda like Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus. We'll call it Seriously, Do Not Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus. For the Love of God and the Safely of All, Do Not Let Him Drive the Bus. Or The Snowy Day would work too. Am I wearing pants?"

Richard Hatch: "No, kids like Dr. Seuss. We should write something like a Dr. Seuss Book, like Oh The Places You'll Go. Federal Prison, For Example.


Jose Canseco: "We're not doing Dr. Seuss!"

Meat Loaf: "Put the chair down, Jose, or I will beat you with my sequined jacket."

Jose: "We should do something more classic, like a fable. Kind of like Jack and the Beanstalk, but it's Jose and the Beanstalk. And instead of planting the magic beans, he eats them, and he gets big and strong. Then he kills the giant with his bare hands..."

Gary Busey: "How's he gonna get to the giant, Jose? You have to climb the beanstalk to get to the giant! You can't climb the beanstalk if you don't plant the beans! Everyone knows that! He's gotta plant the beans, man!"

On the women's team, I liked Marlee Matlin's idea to have a deaf character in the book be the one to teach LaToya the Lion how to roar. Fun twist at the end of the story. But no, Dionne Warwick said that would be too much of a downer, since the children would just feel sorry for the deaf character, of course. And children aren't ready for that kind of diversity. (So shouldn't they have made all the characters in the book the same kind of animal? They had a dog in there! And the lion was friends with a chicken! That's the kind of diversity NO ONE is ready for.)

Marlee Matlin: "If we're not going to have a deaf character, let's do a sign language ABC book. I'm thinking R Is For Roundhouse Kick to Dionne Warwick's Face."


Playmate of the Year Hope Dworaczyk: "How about a new version of Pat the Bunny? It'll be a lift-the-flap book--"


Lisa Rinna: "No, I've got it--you know what would be fun? A sing-along story, like The Wheels On The Bus. You know, like THE BUS YOU ALL F-ING THREW ME UNDER!!!"

Certainly this is just a partial list; there's so much potential in this cast. What other children's book titles do you wish came out of the Celebrity Apprentice teams?

Running Around the Internet Like One of Those Leash Kids

At the beginning of the month I received my edit letter for the Book That Comes Out Next Year (and by "edit letter" I mean "the full manuscript with a bunch of writing in the margins and sticky notes throughout.") I've looked at the first few pages, but I'll get the bends if I dive into it too quickly, so for now it's sitting on my desk until we get used to one another. Plus, I need to wrap up the revisions for Book I Want To Submit To Agent Soon. Once I've sent that in, I can give my full attention to Book One.

Naturally, with two books to revise, I've been playing around on the Internet a lot. Besides the posts I've done here, I've been showing up in a few other places around the web lately.

When I read about the 90-Second Newbery Film Festival last month, I knew I wanted to send in a video, and right away I thought of the comic potential of a conversation based on the 2007 winner, The Higher Power of Lucky by Susan Patron. See the post on James Kennedy's blog to find out more about the controversy behind the book, if you're not familiar with it. The video even has a mention of Snooki, in keeping with my unintentional Snookipalooza this month.

And over on the Will Write For Cake blog, I wrote a long Twitter tutorial post that should help if you're wanting to get started on Twitter or if you've already been using it but feel like you're still flailing and lost.

And I have a shiny new website! I meant just to reserve the domain name for now, but I started clicking on templates and couldn't stop myself. 

I'd better go for now. The edit letter is doing that Fatal Attraction "I'm not going to be ignored" bit. It thinks it's so funny.

A Few Minutes In The Life Of A Sign Language Interpreter: In Class With Snooki

I may be at risk for looking like I have an "All Snooki, all the time" blog because of this post and now this video, but really, almost all the posts will be Snooki-free.

When I noticed that the Xtranormal site, where I make the interpreting videos, had new Jersey Shore characters, I couldn't help myself. So here's sort of a Snooki book/day job mashup: what would happen if I got to work and heard the dreaded words, "Guest speaker Snooki"?

The Mayflower Landed On Ellis Island And Other Things I Learned From Snooki

Okay, I admit it. I read the Snooki book. I couldn't help myself, all right? The few priceless quotes I heard let me know this was too good to pass up.

Yes, A Shore Thing is no literary gem, but that doesn't mean it's without merit. I actually learned a few things.

I'll start with examples pertaining to the craft of writing:

"I'm not a slut, I'm a whore. There's a difference." 
Of course. Wasn't it Mark Twain who stressed the importance of using the right word instead of the almost-right word? The advice is timeless.

"But now, like a chronic STD, Gia was back." 
Advice every writer has heard--write what you know.

"'Don't be fooled, Isabella. Even tough guys like Downy softness. One cupful of this'--he held up his bottle--'can make the difference between a good day and a bad day. Life is tough enough. Might as well do the easy stuff to make your life better.'
Isabella nodded, frankly amazed. She'd never heard Tony speak more than a sentence or two at a time at the gym, but here he was rhapsodizing about philosophy." 

Don't be embarrassed if you can't remember if it was Plato or Aristotle who discussed fabric softener. Focus on the writing lesson here--this is a complex character. 

"Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla." 
Sensory details can have a big impact on your reader. Most of us don't have a problem describing what characters see and hear, but it's harder to show what they feel, smell, and taste. The descriptive language here brings to mind the taste of gorilla, a fresh one...wait a minute, what the hell?

Moving on. Let's take a look at some other examples that illustrate the importance of figurative language. No tired old cliches here--you won't find these anywhere else. Ever.

"From the outside, the two-story, two-bedroom bungalow looked like an aging Atlantic City hooker. For a month, this hooker would be home." 
That sounds cozy. Can you sublet a hooker?

The main character, Gia, after her spray-tanning session: 

"She left little orange footprints all over the floor of the bathroom, as if a melting Oompa-Loompa had padded through."
I hate it when that happens. Once an Oompa-Loompa melts on your tile, the floor will never look the same again, no matter how much you scrub.

"His chest muscles strained the fabric of his tank top. It fit across a tummy that was hard and flat enough to slice salami on." 
That's quite an image! Sure, it's an image of a guy getting his abs repeatedly sliced with a kitchen knife, bleeding all over your lunch meat, but still.

"When we kissed, I felt like a stick of butter on a subway rail. I melted."
I know, I know, you've never seen a stick of butter on a subway rail, never even thought about it before, but you're thinking about it now, aren't you? Never mind why it's there, it's melting, right? I mean, unless it's winter. Then the rail would be cold. Until a train comes. Then it will be squishy.

"The Seaside Heights drunk tank--on a weekday afternoon--was as clean and quiet as a church."
A church that reeks of vomit and urine.

And the book isn't without its life lessons. (I know, you thought the Downy softness lesson was enough).

"She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without splashing any on her face." 
Find your strengths, kids.

"As soon as her boss left, Gia did a victory lap dance on the arm of the sofa....If only her mom could see her now." 
Dance like no one's watching, or like your mom wouldn't be disturbed if she were watching you simulate a lap dance.

And the novel was educational, too. I learned things about the legal system, for example.

Police and firemen show up at Gia's workplace after the landlord noticed smoke pouring from the windows. When they discover the smoke was caused by marijuana, here's what a policeman tells Gia and her co-workers:
"On behalf of the Seaside Heights police and fire departments, we expect some compensation for our efforts. Your choice. You can either pay a fine for creating a public disturbance, of you can volunteer to do community service." 
That's right, there's no DA, no court system, no tickets even. It's the police who decide on the charges and punishment, right there on the spot. 

And later, when Gia and Bella are arrested, Gia's love interest Fireman Frankie springs them from jail. No, not by paying their bond to bail them out, silly. That's not how it works:

"Slow down," she said, laughing. "How did you get us out?"
"I asked the chief of police to drop the charges."
Again, it's all up to the police. Well, police and a hot fireman. I can't believe how little I knew about criminal justice.

My favorite quote of all offers a history lesson. Here's where Gia describes a group of hippies sitting together on the beach:

"They were huddled together like a family of Ellis Island immigrants just off the Mayflower."
I still don't know if Plymouth Rock is on Ellis Island or if the Mayflower made multiple voyages from Europe to the colonies, but I maybe we'll find out in the next book.

As important as it is to know the rules of writing, it's just as important to know when to bend those rules. Or break them. Or completely shatter them to pieces so they're unrecognizable.

Sentence structure, for example. Trust your reader to figure out what you mean, no matter how you arrange your sentences.

"Gia stood up and started dancing on the spot to music that, like dolphins and small dogs, only she could hear." 
Yes, only she can hear dolphins and small dogs.

"They took a break from dancing on the red couch." You thought they'd been dancing on the couch, right? And now they're taking a break from that? Wrong! They were dancing--on the floor, like everyone else--and now they're sitting on the couch to take a break from that. Clearly.

And don't worry about sticking with one point of view. This book is told from six points of view by chapter 14, and yet another shows up in chapter 28. Usually the POV changed with a new chapter, but sometimes you're treated to more than one in a paragraph. In one chapter that's told mostly from Gia's point of view, we switch to the hotel manager for a few sentences before hopping back into Gia's hungover head.

You've probably heard too that to be a good writer, you have to read. Well, Snooki admits she's read only two books in her life. And look how that worked out. So there, sluts.

Lessons In Character Motivation From A Passive-Aggressive Fish

The daughter was home from college for the semester break for two days when her roommate called and asked, "Um, did you bring Beanie home with you?"

Thankfully Beanie wasn't a dog or a kitten or a human baby, but Beanie was a betta fish, and for a full month he was alone in a dorm room. Probably the dorm room, anyway. They couldn't be sure they didn't set his container down in the parking lot while packing up their cars.

So of course, the girls were fully expecting to return to a dorm room that smelled somewhere between sway-inducing and ferocious. Imagine the shock when roommate arrived this afternoon to find Beanie swimming in his bowl, right on the dresser where they left him. How is this possible, people?

While I was wondering if this was some sort of alien or zombie fish, my friend Shelli Cornelison suggested on Twitter that this could lead to a fun picture book idea. How did this heroic fish survive on his watery island during his month of neglect? Did he leap into the air out of desperation to grab a packet of Ramen Noodles? Scrounge for crumbs from Little Debbie Snacks?

Just as we were discussing this, Daughter called to tell me that Beanie the Wonderfish had the nerve to DIE. Yes, after all that time, he died as soon as he was given his first flake of food.

And now I'm really intrigued. How could he die now, after all he'd been through? Perhaps the food was a shock to his system, but I couldn't help but think of possible motivations Beanie had for hanging on for so long, just to die as soon as help arrived:

• Closure: Maybe Beanie was clinging to life for weeks, but couldn't bear to leave without saying goodbye. As soon as the companion he'd been waiting for arrived, he embraced the sweet release of death. Very Barbara-Hershey-in-Beaches of you, fish.

• Despair: I'm sure he assumed that something terrible happened to his humans. Certainly they wouldn't abandon him for so long, leaving him helpless and hungry. And then they walk through the door and he realizes, "Oh. There you are. You're all right. I guess you would abandon me. I don't think I want to be a part of this anymore."

• Passive-aggressiveness: One can't play the victim without an audience, so Beanie refused to succumb to starvation until he could look into someone's eyes and say, "Thanks for the food, bitches. Peace out."

What other reasons could there be? 'Cause I'm baffled. Obviously, it's perfectly acceptable to attribute human characteristics to a fish in any explanations you can come up with. 

How Audiobooks Will Help Me Dust More Often & Other Reading Habits For The New Year

I mentioned in this post that I kept track of the books I read last year and noticed that almost all the books were YA novels. One thing I plan to do now is catch up on some mid-grade novels I've missed; I'd like to get at least a couple good ones read before the ALA Awards, because I'll have no idea who to cheer for when the Newbery is announced. Yes, I'm that much of a book nerd--I'll wake up early to watch the live webcast online.  


And my list had just three audiobooks. I've never listened to audiobooks much because I had trouble paying attention to them. Once in a while I try to listen to one while driving, but before long I have no idea what's going on in the story. Or I'm really into the story and thinking, "What a great book! Where the hell am I?" 


But I discovered something interesting last year--when I was painting my house or laying a new kitchen floor, I was able to pay attention really well to what I was listening to. Really well. I can remember the exact wall I was painting in the bedroom when E! True Hollywood Story about Beyonce was on. If I knew back in college that I had this kinesthetic-memory connection, I'd have painted the walls of the dorm every day while listening to professors' lectures on tape.


We'll see if it works for housecleaning just as well. When I'm reading a good book I tend to ignore everything else that needs to be done. I look up after closing a book and wonder who ransacked the house and who these starving people in front of me are. So this year I want to try listening to audiobooks while I clean house--I'll get to read more books and my house will look better. 


I'll also be participating in the Debut Author Challenge hosted by The Story Siren. If you join the challenge, you take on the goal of reading at least twelve midgrade or young adult novels from this year's debut authors. I've been looking forward to so many books on the list, so I know I'll be reading a lot more than twelve of them. Anyone can participate, so check it out if you'd like to discover some new favorite authors and win some fun bookish prizes.


So those are my reading plans for the year: catch up on the midgrade books, listen to more audiobooks, and read a bunch of the 2011 debut author novels.  What about everyone else--any changes to your reading routine this year?